Looking for suggestions on dealing with anger in a relationship.
My spouse seems to have a more volatile temper, while I tend to internalize and stuff emotions down, perhaps eventually feeling angry several days later, to late to do anything about it, so just keep stuffing it down, hoping it goes away...
Anyway, looking for suggests for changing this dynamic, Dealing better with a spouse when anger comes up, and looking for better ways of absorbing that anger than stuffing it down deep, where it festers. Getting some of these old stagnant feelings cleared out, and moving forward.
thanks
dave
My spouse seems to have a more volatile temper, while I tend to internalize and stuff emotions down, perhaps eventually feeling angry several days later, to late to do anything about it, so just keep stuffing it down, hoping it goes away...
Anyway, looking for suggests for changing this dynamic, Dealing better with a spouse when anger comes up, and looking for better ways of absorbing that anger than stuffing it down deep, where it festers. Getting some of these old stagnant feelings cleared out, and moving forward.
thanks
dave
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Washington
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Re: changing dynamics of anger
Wed, June 29, 2005 - 12:24 PMWhat works for me and I've learned through my participation in men's work...is to release those emotions in a men-only setting where I can trust to have complete confidentiality. This allows me to say/do/express whatever I need without fear of it getting back to the woman in question.
As for changing the dynamic in your relationship, that's a much murkier issue, and depends heavily on exactly what is going on, who you are, who she is, and how each of you is being in the relationship. I'd need more details to offer any advice on that. -
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Re: changing dynamics of anger
Wed, June 29, 2005 - 2:11 PMgood advice. Moved awhile ago, and just haven't had much luck finding a local men's group close enough to make participation feasible. We're both feeling a bit isolated social (doing the parent scene). That has been almost part of the problem, its almost at times like we're in competion to the same few social contacts, and with the added complication of possible gender interactions (just how close to get to someone else).
For the dynamics in the relationship, looking into some counseling locally, either together, or each going on our own to help sort that out, get a neutral third party perspective. Not sure I want to air all the dirty laundry in a public forum. -
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Re: changing dynamics of anger
Thu, August 18, 2005 - 11:36 AMDave, I don't think it's necessary to 'air your laundry' here in public. Those are YOUR thoughts and YOUR personal, private relationship both w/yourself and w/your spouse.
Since communication's broken down, sometimes being in a tangible men's group where you can talk face2face can give one a feeling of empowerment, being able to 'role play' to another to get that 'frame of reference' on how it feels to say what you feel, to get responses, what they might be, etc. But since you'd mentioned that it's not @ your grasp [due to your move to a new area], sometimes a non-biased party [couples therapy] is an excellent idea!
I've been where you've been, except I was your wife and my ex was more like yourself. Feeling were never talked about, even though we 'thought' we were talking. Well, 'talking' it was, but NOT communicating. There were way too many finger-pointing episodes, putting blame on the other person, instead of using the vernacular, "Well, I'M FEELING THAT.....".
It's a tough road, bud, but then again, like was written here previously, there could be other issues [maybe w/you both] that just 'might' be too embarrassing to discuss, or maybe just not quite sure how to get that ball rolling.
The greatest thing you can do for yourself is find a pro [that you feel comfortable w/, and if NOT...........FUCK 'EM and find another] who can help you [and your other half] help yourself.
Sometimes all we really need is a shoulder to lean on or just a 'push.'
Good thoughts your way, Dave! -
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Re: changing dynamics of anger
Thu, August 18, 2005 - 11:54 AMBeen going to a counselor for a couple of weeks now, it has helped to get some perspective, and work out some of the initial problems. What I have discovered is that a lot of the time, the anger is not directed at me, but other causes. Being in the relationship, I just get to be the lucky one that deals with the venting.
We've made some good progress on bringing issues, in "I'm feeling that" mode. The counselor helped me get the initial "that evil nasty so and so" out of my system. Still digging for find core causes and solutions (that's probably a never ending task). Still haven't made much progress on find a local man's community, or built the social outlets, but at least more aware of the problem, and working together to find solutions.
thanks for the help and advice.
dave
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